In A Funk

I’ve been a bit “off” here for a couple of weeks. Have you ever felt like there’s something wrong, but nothing you can pinpoint? Like it wouldn’t take much for you to start crying? You’ve got plenty you should be doing, but just can’t give yourself that little push to get started?

Well then, you might be suffering from depression. But I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me.

Ah, still got a sense of humor. There may be hope for me yet.

Actually, I am a bit disgusted with this whole “life” situation. You know, my body has been falling apart for years. The eyesight is going, my knees and neck sound like Rice Krispies, arthritis occasionally flairs up in a thumb, I’ve got carpal tunnel, a couple of bad discs, high blood pressure, I tend to be hot, my memory stinks, and I’ll spare my male readers the details of my monthly ordeals. You’re welcome.

So I go in for my annual exam a couple of weeks ago. I’ve got a few things I bring up to the doc—my BP meds are making me cough, I’m really fed up with my monthly ordeals, and a couple of other minor complaints. She orders tests.

I go the next day for my mammogram, sonogram of a lump the doc found, and a pelvic sonogram. They always give me the results of my mammogram before I leave, and they said that it and the ultrasound were normal. Yeah, well, I still get the pleasure of consulting with a surgeon.

I had to wait for them to send the result of the pelvic ultrasound to my doc. Ladies, if you haven’t had a pelvic ultrasound lately, evidently current SOP calls for two views, the usual one directly on the abdomen, and another one from inside that is supposed to give them a better view of the ovaries. Except after all that, she still had to go back for an abdominal view of my right ovary because it was so high up. Turns out I have an ovarian cyst and a thickened endometrium, so I also get to see a gyn.

As if all that isn’t bad enough, the doc also checked my hormone levels. They’re normal. NORMAL. I am NOT peri-menopausal.

All these years I’ve been telling myself, “Just a little bit longer.” And I haven’t even started!!! This SO sucks.

It’s all my mother’s fault, you know. And stupid me asked when she finally started going through menopause. I think she lied.

And poor KSA doesn’t have a clue how much worse things are going to get.

However, there is good news. I went for recertification last week and I am now qualified to shock the shit out of you.

Flo

I Must Be The Youngest Mother Alive...

…because my daughter seems to think I was born yesterday.

Our adorable church accompanist is leaving in a couple of weeks to attend the Berkley College of Music in Boston. So we had a nice little reception for her after Mass the other day.

After a while, I noticed MFD wasn’t around and when a couple others asked where she was, I went out to see if her car was still there or if she had just up and left. She was sitting on the curb by her car, talking with one of the ensemble members. She said she wasn’t feeling well and had gone outside for some fresh air. So I told her the guest of honor wanted to talk to her and she needed to be getting back inside.

She came inside a little bit later with a big grin on her face and some kid trailing behind her. She told me That Kid drove for a whole hour to surprise her.

Surprise. Uh huh.

So we have a little discussion when That Kid is gone:

Me: So how did That Kid happen to know to surprise you at church?
MFD: Well, I had told him that we were having a little party and I be hanging out for a while after church.
Me: Uh huh. So, you didn’t invite him to meet you?
MFD: No.
Me: So he decides to crash the party? Invites himself to this party for someone he doesn’t know?
MFD: I guess so.
Me: So how did you happen to meet this kid if he lives an hour away?
MFD: Well, somehow, he and the members of his band managed to get in to the Back to School Dance.
Me: Really? The dance that was for OHS students only.
MFD: Yeah.
Me: Uh huh. So these non-OHS kids got into a dance they weren’t supposed to be at, and none of the chaperones noticed anything.
MFD: I guess.
Me: You know, this just isn’t sounding right.
MFD: Well I don’t know what else to tell you.
Me: I guess the truth would be a little too much to ask, huh? So you’re telling me you’re ok with a guy that thinks nothing of being rude or breaking rules?
MFD: I didn’t look at it like that.

Oh, now I get it. I wasn’t born yesterday, but obviously I’m suffering a concussion from falling off the turnip truck.

Flo

Gift Idea

You know, it’s never too early to start shopping for Christmas. Here’s one for the Democrat that has everything:



Flo

Check This Out!

My crusty ol’ CWO sent me this link to an unusual eBay listing. Just from seeing the picture, I couldn’t understand what the big deal was until I started reading the description.

I was hooked.

Dawn has a blog, and I’ve read every single one of her posts. Fortunately, she just started in June. In that short amount of time, she has logged over 130,000 visits to her site, and almost 13,000 views of her profile.

Don’t I feel like the little pipsqueak?

I enjoyed all of her stories, but a couple that really stick in my mind are her very first one, then one I believe this month about dieting. I’m sure I won’t be the only one that will take up her calorie counting ideas.

The woman is a hoot—she has to be, I’m sure, if she wants to retain any piece of sanity while raising 6 (yes, six) kids. Pay her a visit.

Flo

I LOVE This!

We must have had the same mom! Enjoy!

*Sniff*

Allie and I have been abandoned.

Lainy went back home yesterday. MFS also left yesterday for his second year at college. Today is MFD’s first full day of school. As a junior. And, of course, KSA is at work. Actually, he reported for jury duty today.

The house is quiet.

I used to be a night person, detested mornings. I loved the peaceful feeling after everyone was asleep. It was a different kind of quiet than during the day when they were at work and school. Probably because I knew they were all at home together, safe and sound.

I miss that.

Flo

No More Margaritas for Us

Lainy is up visiting for a few days and we’ve been having quite a bit of fun. Here’s a sample of what we’ve been doing to entertain ourselves:

Your Boobies' Names Are...

Thunder and Lightning

Boobie Name Generator

and here’s Lainy’s:

Your Boobies' Names Are...

Wonder Woman and Batgirl

Boobie Name Generator

Flo

Spewing

MFSG came over the other night with her dad, younger sister, and aunt to “watch the meteor shower.” It turned out cloudy, so we missed out on the streaks in the sky.

Getting together with MFSG’s family is always a fun occasion. Actually, it was a little toned down this time, because it usually includes her mom (had to get up early for school the next day), her grandfather (I was crushed, he wasn’t sure if he was included), and her older sister (has a one month old). One time we also had the half-brother and his family.

It sounds like they do a lot together, which I think is just the coolest. They can be a wild bunch, too, so we all get along really well, as you can imagine. We just have a blast.

The other night, MFSG had shown us her fingers that she had burned while playing with fire (and she’s a fireman’s daughter). Later on, she made a comment that she thought she might lose a fingernail because of a blister underneath it, and she wondered if the fingernail would grow back. I said, “no.” She believed it! Then she said she knew someone that had lost a toenail and that it grew back. So I told her she still had a problem, because there was a difference between toenails and fingernails. I really had her going for a while, until she said she knew someone that lost both a toenail and a fingernail and they both grew back. So I was kind of busted.

A little later, we’re sitting around the table, talking about car horns. MFSG said hers used to sound like a duck. “Wauck,” she said. Since they were younger, I’ve teased the kids when they made different sound effects. The horn sound was so funny, so I said, “How did that go?” And she said, “Wauck.” “One more time,” I said. “Wauck!” We were all laughing, so she said, “You wouldn’t think it was funny if got you mad at some stupid driver and you had a horn that sounded like ‘wauck!’” Unfortunately, just as she was getting into that sentence, I was taking a drink of root beer. I literally spewed when she got to the “wauck!”

Just great. That could possibly end up a story for future grandkids. I can see it now: “Go ask grandma to show you her special trick.”

Flo

Home Improvement

Those of you that know KSA also know this is not my problem:

Oh no. Nope, if I see KSA doing that, it’s time to call for AD’s services.

KSA is always working on something. The problem is that his priorities are usually not my priorities. For example, we have to climb up and down a ladder to get from the back porch to the yard because there aren’t any stairs yet. But KSA has been working on the yard, getting things smooth and level so he can seed it.

And I don’t dare let him know how important something is to me or else he’ll put it on the back burner. He’s got so much on that back burner that half of it has either burned to a crisp, is mushy and worthless, or evaporated into thin air.

If I get really irritated, I’ll do it myself. I’ve learned things like how to run telephone lines and install ceiling fixtures. I need to find a project I can muck up just enough that it won’t cause harm, yet will have to be taken care of immediately.

Maybe that’ll teach him not to put things off for so long.

Oh hell, no it won’t. Whom am I kidding?

Flo

Legislation Allows Veterans to Salute the Flag

Perhaps one of my learned readers can answer a couple of questions for me. I received the following in an e-mail:

There is new legislation that clarifies allowing Veterans and service members not in uniform to salute the flag. This may seem like a small change, but all Veterans can now render a smart hand salute to the flag during all appropriate public events.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Senator Jim Inhofe (R-Okla.) today praised the passage by unanimous consent of his bill (S.1877) clarifying U.S. law to allow veterans and servicemen not in uniform to salute the flag. Current law (US Code Title 4, Chapter 1) states that veterans and servicemen not in uniform should place their hand over their heart without clarifying whether they can or should salute the flag.

"The salute is a form of honor and respect, representing pride in one's military service," Senator Inhofe said. "Veterans and service members continue representing the military services even when not in uniform. "Unfortunately, current U.S. law leaves confusion as to whether veterans and service members out of uniform can or should salute the flag. My legislation will clarify this regulation, allowing veterans and servicemen alike to salute the flag, whether they are in uniform or not.

"I look forward to seeing those who have served saluting proudly at baseball games, parades, and formal events. I believe this is an appropriate way to honor and recognize the 25 million veterans in the United States who have served in the military and remain as role models to others citizens. To those who are currently serving or have served in the military have earned this right, and their recognition will be an inspiration to others."

My questions concern the following statement: “Veterans can now render a smart hand salute to the flag during all appropriate public events.”

Question 1: What are considered appropriate public events? The senator refers to baseball games, etc. However, what I have seen of the wording of the bill states only when raising, lowering, or passing by of the flag. I did not see anything about the Pledge of Allegiance or the national anthem, which are other times Service Members would salute the flag. Although the Pledge of Allegiance is covered under Title 4, Chapter 1, the national anthem is in a completely different Title.

Keeping in mind that I am from the Show Me State, can anyone provide a link that specifically covers this?

Question 2: I have seen this posted on various forums and passed around in e-mails as if this bill is in effect now. How can that be? Unless my references are not the latest, I show that the bill still has to pass the House and then be signed by the President. Am I missing something, or is this a special bill?

I would be proud to post this as factual—if I knew it was, in fact, a done deal. However, it would embarrass me greatly if I posted something that turned out to be inaccurate. It’s this quirk I have.

Can anyone out there help me?

Flo

Puddle Jumper Days

Puddle Jumper Days, aka Funnel Cake Day, was quite a disappointment this year. We only had one funnel cake, and even that one left something to be desired.

We’ve been meeting at Lovi’s for this annual event for a number of years now. We adopted PJ, our collie/golden retriever mix, from one of the crafters there five years ago. The woman lived in the country outside of town and someone had dumped PJ and her littermates, so the woman took a picture of one of them and posted it at her booth. We took pictures of PJ the following year to show her and found out she had kept one of the boys.

We try to get there in time to grab a funnel cake for breakfast, then we sit out under the tree and watch the parade go by. My favorite is the horse-drawn hearse that the local funeral home enters and usually signaled the end of the parade. No hearse last year, which was a major disappointment. Fortunately, it was back this year, but the parade was only 30 minutes long.

And to top THAT off: NO craft tents. There used to be two large tents, then last year there was only one, and now none. We loved going up and down the aisles, checking out all kinds of merchandise. I got one of my favorite t-shirts there several years ago, a huge yellow smiley face with a bullet hole and oozing blood in the forehead. (Take THAT, Wal-Mart!)

You could get a custom made garden stone, handmade jewelry, refrigerator magnets, quilts, stained glass, or fun bumper stickers. Even the main street didn’t have as many tents this year, and very little unusual merchandise, All they had were mostly food booths or tents for various churches or a raffle of one kind or another. Oh, and sunglasses. There were about three places with those knock-off sunglasses.

Lovi and I would go up sometime after the parade and scope things out. The kids usually set off for the carnival area. Then we’d go home during the hottest part of the day. After Mass, we’d have dinner, then the whole lot of us would go back out—Lovi and me to buy anything we hadn’t gotten earlier, visit friends we’d run into, watch the little ones on the rides, and see the cute (or ugly) dogs.

No dogs allowed this year! I finally have a dog that’s not hyper, doesn’t have to sniff every little thing, likes attention, and isn’t bothered in the least by unfamiliar dogs, and she can’t go. Which was probably a good thing, because evidently the day was exhausting for her—she would lie down with a groan, flop over, and go to sleep.

Anyway, there wasn’t much worth going back for in the evening, so we hung out with Lovi’s family, her oldest son and his girlfriend, and her folks, and had a nice time visiting and pigging out on her hubby’s brisket. No leftovers for them!

I might have to write a letter to the local paper expressing my disappointment. The Puddle Jumper Committee should be darn grateful we don’t need no stinkin’ festival to have fun!

Flo

Why Do People Have Sex?

Oh great! This is just what I needed to change the rating of my blog from PG-13 to maybe an R. The only reasons it wasn’t G was because I had “knife” twice (I knew I should have cut myself with a spoon) and “bitch” once, when I was referring to a female dog.

As if that’s not bad enough, according to the Inkblot test, I’m a Buddhist Monk. I think they just couldn’t evaluate my write in answers

So. The University of Texas spent five years and, fortunately, their own money, researching why people have sex. After coming up with 237 reasons, 1500 college psychology students ranked the reasons from 1 to 5. Thank goodness they selected a representative segment of the population.

According to the study, the number one reason is because we are attracted to someone. Of course the findings are being disputed.

Reminds me of something a friend told me years ago. And he went to a seminary for high school, so I know he wouldn’t lie to me.

Seems the French spent $1 million studying the purpose of the head of the male’s penis. They determined it was to give the female greater sexual satisfaction.

Not to be outdone, the U.S. spent $5 million. They determined the purpose of the head of the penis was to give the male greater sexual satisfaction.

The Polish decided they wanted the world to start taking them seriously, so they conducted their own study. They spent $3.18 and determined the purpose of the head of the penis was to keep the hand from slipping off.

PG-13 and Buddhist Monk my foot.

Flo